Inside a network of Facebook groups helping US millennials fall in love

PHILADELPHIA: Nicole Kerr competed with 134 other women to get the attention of her now-fiancé Fran Smythe, a Deptford, New Jersey, finance manager looking for a “fun down-to-earth girl” to settle down with.

That’s because Smythe’s sister-in-law posted his photos to Date Him: Philly, a private Facebook group with over 20,000 members where women vouch for their guy friends. Dozens left comments or sent DMs about Smythe – except for Kerr, who only liked the photo because of his big smile and hobbies (skiing and coaching high school wrestling).

Fortunately, her coyness won out.

“I felt like I was on The Bachelor or something. It usually doesn’t go that way for guys,” said Smythe, 35.

Eleven months after the fateful like, Kerr and Smythe got engaged. They’re the first Date Him: Philly engagement, according to the group’s founder, Dara Rahill, a success story amid a growing number of Philadelphia singles so disillusioned with dating apps that they’d rather turn to strangers for help than do the vetting themselves.

Philadelphia has the largest proportion of unmarried people of any major US city, adding to the dread of dating in an era of paywalled dating apps, fake profiles, and post-pandemic loneliness that has made it hard to imagine a meet-cute.

The result is a network of initiatives that hope to take the guesswork out of dating. There’s women hosting free dating advice pop-ups; a journalist helping her neighbour find a girlfriend via her Facebook; IRL social experiments that fast-track intimacy by forcing people to stare into one another’s eyes; and a whole universe of communities like Are We Dating the Same Guy?, which allow women to crowdsource for red flags before going all-in on a potential partner.

Date Him: Philly is responsible for at least two engagements and a dozen serious relationships since its founding in 2022, said Rahill. That’s because it digitises a tried-and-true dating formula: friends setting up friends on blind dates.

On the apps, Kerr, 29, said, “I picked some bad apples and had to keep asking myself why I was attracting a certain kind of person.” But with Date Him: Philly, she “didn’t have walls up. There was something about women advocating for these guys that made me more trusting.”

But knowing more can be a double-edged sword. Clicking through dating apps can camouflage the sense of competition hyper-present in groups like Date Him: Philly, while reading through post after post of red flags on Are We Dating the Same Guy? could turn you off of – well – anyone.

A background check for the dating sceptic

Matchmaker Dara Rahill started Date Him: Philly as a response to a crisis of confidence in dating.

A series of recent studies from the Pew Research Institute found that the majority of adult singles believe dating has gotten more difficult and are sceptical that dating app algorithms can predict love. That dismay has only compounded as many of the major dating apps tank their user experience to drive up profits, creating a sense among users that the goal is really to swipe more, date less.

“There’s distrust in dating app culture because you can’t always know if the information on a person’s profile is correct … and if you’ve been single for as long as the apps have been around, you might be questioning if you know how to pick the right partner,” said Rahill. The group was about “creating a place of hope”.

Pamela J. Lannutti – a relationship researcher and the director of the Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University – considers Date Him: Philly as a way to speed up the process of asking friends what they think about a potential boo-thing.

“If you’re going to have a successful romantic relationship, you want your friends and family to be able to also have good relationships with your partner,” Lannutti said. “Plus I really like the idea of saying, ‘This is my cousin Vinny. Here’s why he’s datable’.”

Katie DeMarco, a 35-year-old German teacher from Collingswood, agreed. Before she stumbled on a post for her now-fiancé Thomas VanDzura in October, DeMarco said she “didn’t have confidence” in herself after a series of bad dates with men who told “white lies about themselves”.

But with VanDzura, it was green flag (family man) after green flag (no social media). Getting posted to Date Him: Philly is “almost like a background check”, said DeMarco. “Women wouldn’t be posting these men if they were going to be weird or predatory or not actually ready for a relationship.”

Pick me, choose me, date me

Despite its success rate, Date Him: Philly is still a microcosm of Philly’s dating scene, where singles prefer to date within their own socioeconomic class and culture. Women post photos of their single guy friends with captions that outline their hobbies and dating goals. As the responses roll in, the poster generally helps the friend whittle down what could be dozens of ladies into a handful of potential first dates.

Daje Walker, 28, joined Date: Him Philly last summer in search of a long-term relationship and shot her shot with a handful of men. None panned out.

“It feels like we’re all one fan club in the comments screaming, ‘Choose me!’” said Walker, a project manager from Old City.

Walker, who is Black, also has a hunch that some of the rejection has to do with race. Though Rahill and Michal Naisteter, one of the matchmakers who helps run the group, said that Facebook does not keep racial demographics for Date Him: Philly, Walker observed that most of the men posted look white and that their friends don’t say if they’re open to interracial relationships.

“It’s hard as a Black woman to put in a comment or DM, ‘Is your friend open to women of colour?’” said Walker. “It keeps me from trying in a lot of cases because I don’t even know if the person would be receptive.”

There’s also the competing anxiety that pulsates through Are We Dating the Same Guy? Philly, a Facebook group where Walker and other Date Him: Philly frequent fliers also lurk. The group has over 72,000 members and is one of 200 Facebook communities established to help women decipher if their partners are cheating.

Guided by an honour system of no snitching, the groups have become a sounding board for women ticked off by awful dating etiquette. They’ve caught cheaters, but also ensnared women in failed defamation lawsuits or retaliation after men have learned they’ve been posted in the group.

Carly Flower, a 38-year-old from West Philly, found Philly’s version helpful after developing a crush on a flirtatious bartender. When Flower posted about him in the group, she learned that the bartender not only had a girlfriend, but also a reputation for harassing workers at several local strip clubs.

“It helped me move on a lot quicker,” said Flower.

Arianna Flynn, 27, joined the AWDTSG “mostly for the drama”, and said that while the group has taught her about dangerous icks like lovebombing, it “cultivates a paranoid environment about every little thing”, from a guy texting too much to the amount of time someone takes to ask about a second date.

Lannutti – the relationship researcher – cautions about relying on recommendations from any Facebook group to find the one. Running suitors by friends and strangers can help rebuild confidence after ages of Sisyphean swiping, but nothing beats using your picker offline.

“People had lives before they met you,” said Lannutti. “You got to figure out what you like through trial and error.” – The Philadelphia Inquirer/Tribune News Service